a mess for words

You couldn't have asked for a better, more kinder, more personable person to work for. But that was the problem with your relationship and everybody else in the office knew it. You wouldn’t have been surprised if they thought something was going on between you two, but there wasn’t – it was strictly an office relationship turned friendship, but everyone could see that friendship ranked higher over anything else and they couldn’t stand to see things that way. It was because he let you get away with everything even though you both knew he was the boss and he had the right to command you to do what he wanted you or needed you to do. But because he never forced you to do anything you didn’t really want to do, half the time you always got away with not doing anything at all. And that, in the end, became a huge problem because pressure came down hard on both of you and when neither of you could produce results that seemed unfathomable to begin with, you decided to leave and he was eventually let go.

It was sad the way you two went your separate ways, but that’s how it was supposed to be. You couldn’t take it at that job anymore and you didn’t want to be there if he was planning on leaving as well (which he was). And so it’s more than a year later and you two haven’t kept in touch like you always thought you would if you ever decided to leave the job. But he really is just an email anyway. You insist everytime you see a familiar face from your old job that you will reach out again, but you never get around to doing it. But you should. He’s only an email anyway.

Because you miss him, his jokes, his laughter, his goofy grin and dorky ways. How he thought he was a good dancer, how he was always trying to teach you new things, how he was determined to be the best Marketing Manager he could be. And despite all the tension in the office, how he still manage to have a good laugh with the rest of you when you and your other coworkers post-it note his desk area and toilet paper his chair for his 29th birthday. He was young at heart and that’s what you loved most about it. That’s what made him a great person and in turn, that’s what made him a better boss (to those who were younger than him).

He really made that summer after college a good one because of how personable he was with you and the other interns when you started there. And even though your friendship was a part of what costs both of your jobs to be harder, you don’t regret it, because in him, you had made a great friend after all and to you, this made him the epitome of what you think would be the perfect boss.



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{ 009/365 }

It was just a mere coincidence that you two ended up not only going to the same junior high, but the same highschool and college as well. Because of this, he used to joke that this coincidence could have only meant that you were stalking him that whole time. But one time after college, he ended up seeing you randomly in the street and called out your name say hi and you flipped the joke around on him by saying "Who's stalking who now?"

But he was a lovable guy nonetheless. Big, lovable and huggable. Unfortunately you never really got to hug him, but you can only imagine the warmth he's hiding within his arms. You first came across his silly grin in the in the hallways of junior high when he put his arm around you and said "Hey, baby. How's it going?" And your natural reaction was disgust just because he was a boy you didn't know touching you like he knew you. But that was the jokester in him and that was made him a charismatic person. You couldn't help but like him for being that funny guy, your typical class clown. He always had something to say and laughter always seemed to be the inevitable outcome.

Although you two never grew close, you definitely were able to see him somewhat transform from being another immature jokester of a guy to a more mature version of himself. To you, it was just nice to see that some guys like him could mature after all, while other guys still managed to stay the same after even four years down the road.

Somehow, you found each other again through the wonders of the internet and he still seems like he had that same funny guy in him, which was comforting to know because ultimately that's what you loved about him the most.



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{ 008/365 }

You haven't personally met her, but like Ariel from The Little Mermaid, she has both red hair and the most beautiful singing voice you have ever heard. It's likely that she knows this and maybe it the reason why she sings while she walks around the office all day, every day. But everytime she does walk by, you always find yourself giggling at her.

To you, this makes her seem a little crazy, and you can't help but wonder if you're the only one in the office who thinks so.



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{ 007/365 }

You were impatiently waiting for the train to come as you did every Thursday morning that semester. You were having a pretty miserable week being that you and Alex had just broken up and the last thing you wanted was for some guy to come up to you and try talk to you.

But this boy didn't know that and out of the corner of your eye, you caught him looking at you. You weren't sure, but you had a feeling as you almost always do whenever a guy is about to come up to you and two seconds later, that's exactly what he did. But he didn't exactly "come up" to you, it was more that sidled his way next to you and made it seem like that was his usual spot to wait for the train and it just happened to have been right next to you.

He looked nervous and most likely younger than you. And like any normal person, you should have just walked a few feet away, but you decided to stay because as much as it was the last thing you wanted to deal with, he looked harmless enough. You don't really remember how he finally approached you, or what he approached you with -- whether he asked your name, or how old you were or where you were coming from. You just remember feeling flattered by the situation and found him just to be overall endearing and not threatening at all. The conversation didn't last too long -- in fact, it ended very abruptly by the loud noise of the train rushing in. The only information he did manage to get from you was just your name and where you were going. And normally you would have lied about both, but because he was trying so hard in the first place, you only felt like you owed him the truth.

And although it was such a short, brief moment -- it was sweet and you will always remember it because of the way you were feeling at the time. Little did he know, from that one minute of a conversation, he gave you the small ounce of hope you needed to realize there would always be other guys (other than your ex).

You wonder a bit now what had happened to the kid, but you hope that he eventually found someone of his own, like you hoped you would one day again at that point in your life.



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{ 006/365 }

She was your favorite camper that first year you worked at camp and she still was when you left 3 years later. Somehow, you were able to convince her of the same -- that you were her favorite counselor too. And even though it's eight years later, a little bit of you still hopes that she will always remember that moment of time you had together as "favorite camper & counselor," because you know you always will.



She was 8 years old, but she seemed like she might be 9. By that, you only mean she could've been one of the older ones in the group, even though she was still a child in your eyes. She knew a lot -- too much for her age, in fact. You wondered where she learned it from all too fast and you tried to prevent her from learning any more of it. You wanted her to stay as innocent as she could at an age like that, but knowing her, you knew you couldn't prevent it for too long. She was a curious one, that little girl, and the things that came out of her mouth, you couldn't help but laugh at. Such as the time when you were sitting with her on the jungle gym and she asked if you were a virgin. Shock filled your face and through your teeth you lied. Fortunately, the little one said she believed you but told you afterwards that if there was anyone that wasn't a virgin in her group of counselors, it would have been Jaime -- to which you had no idea what to say. Because shock still filled your face and the only thing you could do was sit there and wish she was as innocent as you hoped she would be, like the 8 year old you once were when you were younger.

But this little girl reminded you too much of yourself and maybe that was why you were so mesmerized by her. She was sweet, cute, but had this little naughty side about her that she wanted people to know about, but at the same time didn't want anyone to know about. It was strange, but she was you, in one too many ways -- the difference was that she was younger, and starting all too early for herself and all you wanted to do was keep her innocent. But you couldn't and you knew that, but you still tried anyway. You felt like if you didn't make an effort at all, that she might make the wrong decisions, but in the end, it was up to her anyway. And so you let her go. You let her go.

Because she's going to be sixteen in a couple of months and to most teenagers, that means she's an adult. You wish her the best in every endeavor she has because it's the only thing you can do from this far. She isn't your favorite little camper anymore. But to you, she will always be that little eight year old girl.



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{ 005/365 }

You met her in 1st grade with no real intention of being her best friend. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with her, it was just that you had a best friend already and you didn't understand the concept of having more than just one friend.

She ended up moving to a different school after 2nd grade anyway and for all you knew, you probably would have never seen her again. But junior high came and even though you weren't in the same 5th grade class, she still came up to you in the hallway, asking if you were who she thought you were: Did you go to P.S. 148? Is your name Cindy? Indeed, you did and indeed, it was. You were surprised she even recognized you, but it was nice to see a familiar face even though it had been 2 years since you last saw her. She seemed friendlier than you remembered and although that was the only time you ever crossed paths that year, you had hoped you would see her again, for the sake of at least knowing someone else in a new school where you were still trying to find your own ground.

Sixth grade came, and you, along with everyone else in the class, knew life with Ms Hershey was going to be hell. Luckily, you ended up making a much stable group of friends that year that helped you pull through what you thought might be the most torturous year of your junior high life. And Mohanie ended up not only being a part of that group, but your next best friend, and the friend you know you'll probably have for the rest of your life.

Your friendship gradually went from gossiping in class to morning conversations on the phone to sneaking around and saying you were "at the library" just to hang out after school and talk, talk, talk like you two just couldn't stop doing. You two related on the fact that you were both from strict families, strict cultures, with strict rules, and although you two were always itching to break them, most of the time you never did. You found it endearing that she never really did like your elementary school best friend, and she found it endearing that you never really liked her other best friend. Before you knew it, she was your best friend and you couldn't have been happier finding someone who seemed just like you. Twelve years later, and you two are still the same.

Although highschool and college pulled you two apart, you two have always been able to call and talk like old times -- and that, in itself, has always been the best part about your friendship with her. Just knowing that no matter how far apart you've been, or how long it's been since you two have talked, things never seem to change when you two get together. & Because of that, she is and always will be your number one best friend since childhood.



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{ 004/365 }

The train ride to work is always a long one, but when this little girl walked in, you were instantly awakened. There she was in her little winter jacket with the fur trim and dangling hood balls hanging from the sides of her face. She looked like a little eskimo. And what killed you most was that she had little zebra mittens on! With the mouth part as the inner part of her hand and a little mohawk of hair on the top of her hand. She was the cutest little girl you had ever seen and you couldn't stop watching her while she chatted with her dad. She kept asking him what the emergency pictures on the train meant, and after he would explain it to her, she would just ask "why?" but not in annoying way, but in a way that made you want to kiss her, hug her and love her. She was just that cute.

For a day where the last thing you wanted to do when you woke up was go to work, she ended up making your day just a little better -- even if it was just for a little while.



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{ 003/365 }

You came across her website one day, sometime in 2003 and remember falling in love with her words. More specifically, it was the way she wrote her "exit" page, because not only was it done in a unique and creative way, it was written like a poem as well. Poetry was your thing back then and you had made it your goal to find every pretty-poem-making person there was so you could add them to your own journal. Because you, too, wanted become one of them. You hoped that by reading them, you would be inspired by them and you were. She turned out to be one of those inspiring girls and she still is that inspiring person, today -- with a great job, a loving relationship and talent like you wouldn't believe. She doesn't write in the same pretty format like she used to, but you still read her words anyway. Because, before, she was just another name on your list, but now you can actually say she's more than that. She's a friend and an absolute shining star(shaped-girl).

So thank you, for inspiring me to start this project in the first place. I wouldn't have known about it if it wasn't for you. :)



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{ 002/365 }

You met his laughter and inimitable charm in sophmore year of college. Professor Wolf; statistics class; and through a mutual friend you both ended up never being friends with again. He sat behind you in every class doing crossword puzzles while you struggled to pay attention to how variables, coefficients and the population somehow correlated with one another.

Little did you know that he would be the guy who would break every faith you ever had in the feeling of love and in being in love.

You couldn't resist him anyhow. He was an absolute gentleman and because of that, you thought he would never break your heart. He was too nice for that. He was too sweet, too funny, too charming, too perfect. Too perfect should have been the key to knowing there had to be flaws. But you were ridiculously happy and so was he. You spent both summer days and summer nights together just cuddling and sleeping, tucked in each other arms and everyday was a new conversation into discovering each other's minds, personalities, and anything else, inside and out. He told you that you were the highlight of his days and you told him exactly the same. Your face hurt from smiling too much, your heart hurt from overflow. And he just looked at you like you were it. And for that one moment of time, all you wanted was for him to be it for you too.

You felt sixteen again and your final thoughts each day always ended with "this is the happiest i've ever been". It was all very comfortable even from the beginning and things just progressed the way they were supposed to. Dinner, movies, museums, and swingsets in the park. Kissing, cuddling, making love after dark. It all felt right.. until gradually, it all fell apart.

And now it's been six months since you've gone your separate ways. He didn't love you like you wanted him to anymore, and in turn, you stopped loving him too. For a long time, neither of you knew what to do, but the decision was more than obvious. Things stopped being the same and you decided to just go along your way. What you both thought was love was just more than like, but less than amazing. It was a state of limbo that neither of you could bare to dance anymore. So you left, and he cried. Somehow, though, you know you'll survive.

But just like he managed to charm himself into your life back then -- he's still manages to do the same today. "It's okay to be friends", he says, without any dismay -- but you feel like you're not completely ready for that. Because of one too many things; and the fact that there's a part of you that still wants him to stay, even though you know all is lost. Because with him, you want life, you want hope, you want love, you want sex. & you want him, to want you, the way you still (sometimes) wish he did.

But it's six months later and this is the last thing you should be feeling.


There are still traces of him in your heart, in your mind, in your face and on your skin, and because of that, you still give in. You still give in. And all you really want is time, not hope, not change, not heartache -- just time. To move on, ahead, away from this Prince Charming -- this Prince Charming with the big brown eyes and the very tin heart that turned you away.



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{ 001/365 }

Starting today, as part of this writings journal, I will be attempting to keep up with this project: 365 People in 365 Days.

It will definitely be a challenge.